20 days.

So my email break lasted for 20 days. I do not think I am ready yet to be back completely. I do have a problem, & yes, it does exist! I am way to connected to the internet than I want to be, should be or would like to be. My hubby dearest reactivated my facebook account for 2 mins by mistake and I ended up with multiple notifications of people congratulating me on becoming an Aunt.. Yes my dearest Niece is finally in Town and is adorable :) Thank you all for your comments, sorry I coudln't reply on fb or via email (discipline).

I am still demanding distance from the internet as I do not think I can handle the addiction. So please try not to tempt me by NOT giving me any updates now n' then. I enjoy your messages, your subtle desire for me haha.

Okay, more later my lovelies..
xoxo.

Procrastination

I am temporarily leaving gmail, msn and facebook. I will try and blog now and then to get some sort of writing in. I need some time off as I have realized how addicted I am to receiving and sending emails & msgs. Lets see, if this works out even for a day. You can comment on here if you need to talk. Much Love.

Holiness for good.

I am a little tired of religious tags being related to charity and giving. I get really upset when people say "oh don’t donate through this website as we are propagating their religion by doing so". Religious propaganda through a noble cause sounds absurd to me. I am not denying the occurrence but, I honestly don’t think that far; do the kids who receive these gifts? Or the poor who is blessed with a single meal in a shelter worry about what religion is providing for him/her? My cause seems much bigger than their tag line. Isn’t that enough?

I am sure we have charities around that do not have religious tags but then people point out "oh, but that’s from a Western country or a Muslim country" that apparently is clue enough for a child or a person distressed with tragedy to figure out the significant background, how far-fetched!

No they don’t care, all they are worried about is life, and that is all we should care about as well.

Not because God asked me to help my fellow human being but because I can.
Be good for what it’s worth; a life.

Here and Now

Forever eclipsed.

Haunted by Jennifer’s Ghost.

I am haunted by Jennifer’s ghost; a complete oddity, undeniably annoying and yet sacred. Constantly gazed up on, as though I’m being followed by her soul, and her reminder retaliating with every step I take. As if the epic inner battle of my conscience was not enough of a burden, now she has left me fearing my end, revering my life and sincerely questioning ‘can it be today, tomorrow, or the day after?’ can this life of mine suddenly end. Have I messed up too much? Have I apologized for all the times I have messed up? Have I asked God for forgiveness? Have I done enough good with this life of mine? Was her part in my life to recognize this fear? To recognize that spirits may not come back to haunt you but the thought of their demise can and will haunt you forever.

Light up the world...

Just remember, the light within your soul is what brightens the world... So keep it glowing, you have the most important job in the world :)

It is me.

It may be a playground for my soul... but the earth digs deep into my veins freezing my bones. We often seize at the thought of our end but forget about the beginning, the beginning where the soul is free from free will and is ready to live for eternity.

I am the shadow of myself, for it is me who lives within this body. It is me who see's the wonders, it is me who see's the depth. I am loved by myself, for it is me who enters this world. It is me who knows what love is, it is me who feels the pain. It is my soul.

My soul is my shadow, my soul is my heart, my soul is my love, my soul is my senses, my soul is free of gender and my soul is forever timeless.

Forgotten me.

In a richer pasture of life, I have found the truth between green and dye. I am but a servant of God who has been given free will to forge the gap between destiny and child. ~ Falak.

With no sense at all I wander through the night. My eyes seek what I deeply yearn, a glimpse of thee, in a wandering path of existence. To me I am forever challenging my boundaries, trying hard to be a little less human a little more saint. Oh, how it pains my desires to let go of its needs, in hopes of a better tomorrow a more revered soul. I’ve come to believe that the soul is the true existence, our body is a mere avatar but our soul has no memory of what we truly are, it can only provide us with glimpses. Our true expectations, wants and needs were erased from our memory prior to being sent down to earth. We succumb to what we see, what we believe to be real. The need of our body take over the needs of our soul, for who we are is lost somewhere in transit in our fatal subconscious. I only have a loud voice in my heart that tells me to keep believing; and I do, I merely do. This search for greatness is what keeps me believing that there is something out there worth finding, worth being mortal for.

~ Me.

Complex Reality

I sit here at 12:09 AM, a bit confused, not because I do not understand the content but because I do not know where or how to begin. My mind wanders from one topic to the next jumping constantly from psychology to philosophy. Wondering if any of this is the truth? Are my thoughts a mere fascination of the ‘What if’ scenario? Is the entire cosmic energy making me aware of who, I truly am? A possible ‘Thinker’; I didn’t know that could even be considered relevant. Not knowing what to think of me being a thinker or even coming close to realizing what qualifies me as one I took a little quiz on BBC.com called the ‘Thinker Quiz’ and this is the result of my thinker quiz:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/leonardo/thinker_quiz/results_and_answers.shtml

You are an Existential Thinker

Existential thinkers:

• Like to spend time thinking about philosophical issues such as "What is the meaning of life?"
• Try to see beyond the 'here and now', and understand deeper meanings
• consider moral and ethical implications of problems as well as practical solutions

Like existential thinkers, Leonardo questioned man's role in the universe. Many of his paintings explored the relationship between man and God. Other Existential Thinkers include
The Buddha, Gandhi, Plato, Socrates, Martin Luther King

Careers which suit Existential Thinkers include
Philosopher, Religious leader, Head of state, Artist, Writer

I must say, that’s quite an improvement on where I was a few minutes ago. Now I at least know part of who I am. No, I’m not trying to flatter myself by the comparison with such great personalities, but I quite agree with the results. I do spend most of time thinking about God, the Universe and just trying to understand our purpose of existence. People who know me would probably vouch for that. They’ve heard me talk immensely about spiritualism, about my fascination with the Universe, and God in general. I truly, believe that the everything in the Universe is connected, I sit here wide awake tonight for a purpose, the butterflies the bees, my bird sleeping contently in the living room, are all present for a bigger reason than I can contemplate. My attraction towards certain books, certain ideas, or movies all stem from the Universe trying to get me where I am meant to be in the distant future. I believe that someday I will be able to think freely, without worrying about coming back to the grim reality of the work force. I believe that only I can be my worst enemy by failing to recognize my being. I believe that my purpose in life is much bigger than what meets the eye and I am out to attain it. InshAllah, (God willing) I will succeed at being who I really am.

Ramble

No newspapers to read parked in the balcony with one leg crossed on top of the other. The internet has even saved me the trouble of flipping pages, trying to forge a busy morning by relaxing for a few minutes scrambling through the paper. All I have is a laptop that reliably lets me sit in bed till my butt gets numb or my eyes dim into a deep sleep. How mundane mornings have become for me, as I wave my husband good bye, I pray for a few minutes, make breakfast and plop right into bed with a cup of oatmeal/tea, and my beautifully crafted Sony VAIO. I Google random words like PayPal/jobs/weight loss/Azithromycin; follow a few people of Facebook, click on Home several times to see if there are others with nothing else to do but update their status. What a waste of time, but nevertheless it must be done, for I am lacking creativity and zest. As the day scouts by, I search for the regular jobs knowing very well I need to lie on my resume about my education qualifications if not I will not get a simple job that only requires a high school graduate. I pin my hopes nevertheless that truth will get me somewhere and even though I delete my qualifications, I go back and retype it, only to apply for another rejection. As the day dampens by now I have probably clicked on home a few 100 times, x-ed out of the website only to reopen it within 2 minutes. I wait in search of ideas of what to do, ways to be of use to humanity. Is not getting me into any trouble or causing anyone any trouble serving humanity as well? Is that enough to rest a peaceful soul at night?

January 21st, 2010.